There were days; There will always be days

xiwillkillbillx @ 2009-12-23T03:29:00

2009-12-23T08:29:15Z

I do not always like it rough. Sometimes, it is too rough.
Like tonight, that was too rough. I can't come home to the same thing, always myself, always.
I'd like to put it in a fire.
Gargle. We try.

Back

2009-12-21T18:24:04Z

Returned home. All I want to do is sleep.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2009-12-17T01:01:00

2009-12-17T09:01:01Z

"Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself."
Of course she did. How could one book have such an impact on my life? Everything I do, everything I think about, it's all about the book. I want to make love to Virgina Woolf. She would never have me though.
Maybe it's because of things like this: "Did it matter then . . . that she must inevitable cease completely; all this must go on without her; did she resent it; or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely?".
I can't tell for sure, but I think that my eyes may have started to move on their own. They see right through the lines I usually draw. I'm looking back, five months over my shoulder, and wondering who that boy is.
I can't promise myself another day, ever. But I do try.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2009-12-16T21:17:00

2009-12-17T05:17:06Z

Ted, that bitch, just discovered my livejournal. What a hoe.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2009-09-28T00:35:00

2009-09-28T07:36:16Z

Did I make a mistake
Did I just fuck up
Don't hate me because I couldn't do it
I heard you on the phone and I thought the love is thousands of miles away
and that's no way to do it.
It wasn't time, but it had to go.

aaaaaahhhhHHHHHH

2009-09-09T06:01:07Z

The only thing I've really noticed about college is that now my feet smell worse. Do I have a foot fungus? Please no.

But I did come across this the other day and thought it was rather beautiful

2009-09-01T07:37:42Z

"But when it comes right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but some where else, deeper more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at."

Colorado

2009-08-26T19:05:12Z

This is the Denver airport. I hate flying. I hate the time change.
I'm thinking, wow, this is different. I'm being so different. I wanted to be so different. I don't know why. I don't know why. I hope it's okay, this being different. I feel like I miss the east coast already.
I wanted to see that world. That's what it was. I wanted to individuate (fuck you Carl Jung--you struck fear in my heart!).
I'm seeing the world in Washington. I'm seeing the world in no where Walla Walla.
I want to see the world in oceans
and colors
and love
and success
and people
and I guess the key is leaving. Saying goodbye. Not saying, forget you or fuck you or to hell with it but just saying goodbye.
I always talk about goodbye. It's what it always is about recently.

Sleepy peepy and I won't be in Washington until 4 pacific time. Nothing like a good old nine hour travel day to get you into that spirit of adventure.

Grab your mice; it's time to go

2009-08-12T01:46:09Z

Today was my last day of work. The girl replacing me seems very interesting. She wants to be a librarian and rides her bike every where. How is that not interesting? I harbor a secret hope that maybe she and Dana will become friend even though I don't see such a thing magically happening. People just don't befriend people, not unless one person wants it.
I went to see Kelly and Ram around 4. I think it bothers Ram and his friends that I will not hug him in public. I don't care. I won't invite that sort of ridicule and scorn from other people. I just won't do it. I've had enough of it in my life to last me forever, and I'm sure I will have plenty more without actively instigating it. It isn't as if I feel like what those people say is true, or that I'm ashamed (or maybe I am a little?), or that I think that other people have any right to act cruelly, it's just that I care, and I can't lie to myself and pretend like I don't. I lack the confidence. I care when people say things like fag or homo or whatever else it is that people tend to say. Sorry.
I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30. I had a nightmare where a hand was reaching up from underneath the table to grab me and it may sound cliche but it was one of my scariest dreams ever. I slept through the text messages from Allison saying she couldn't come and I slept through my parents leaving. I slept, but I wanted to wake up. Then I suddenly remembered taking pictures with my disposable camera on the Williamsburg trip in fifth grade and I realized how much I will miss everyone and how much I will miss Ram. Everyone else is a solid, but my relationship with Ram is so new, it feels like it won't make it. And that sucks. He's awesome.
Grrr my scalp is itchy and it's hard to adapt to the idea that I won't have to get up tomorrow. Weird.

Goodnight, good love

2009-08-09T18:18:30Z

Friends. A pleasant word? I've always quite liked the feeling of F. The teeth on the lip, pursed together and with a little exhale, yes there it is: F-f-friends. There they are. Maybe it is the nature of things. Friends, ends. It's not so much that I'm tired of it, more that I'm tired of caring.
I wish there was an easy way to accept that, maybe, you just have to stop caring. I was never one for preemptive apathy though, so I always have to wait for the signal from someone else. But I'm not up on the secret signs. Like those signs a catcher gives to the pitcher, I could never, ever read those.
It would be cool to say "This was the summer of love" or "this was the summer of adventure", but I can't really think those things. I can't even say "this was the summer of nothing" because there was a lot that was more than nothing. Nothing is easy.
I had the most wonderful morning. Waking up, feeling more than just a pillow next to me. I'd love it. I do love it. Not the summer of love, though. Never the summer of love.
And then there are the years you spend caring about people. Sometimes an hour can feel like a year and sometimes those years can all be broken by one hour. It's really not a gradual depreciation of things. It's one moment where one person decides to "let go". Just like that. Once that decision has been made, it's over. There's no saving it.
There's no saving Jack, Rose. He's dead.
So, you're a young hottie (this a theoretical situation). What will you be when you're not young? Are they linked, bound? I'm desperate to feel young. I'm desperate to feel nineteen. I feel dead. I feel like air.
Because you breathe me in and then you forget.
This is so long. There is no see you again.
I am afraid of not being very good and growing old alone and sad.
I am held together by tape and staples.... what else can you be held together with…glue?
Humans die so easily. A smack on the head and you’re dead so how do we manage to live so long? 19 years….that’s a long time to have successfully avoided car crashes, fires, drowning, sickness, murderers, that is a serious achievement I feel but, obviously, so many people make it through, so truthfully it doesn’t take any sort of exceptional intelligence or ability…I’m convinced what it takes most is luck to make it through.
It’s all about birth. I like to feel as if we’ve destroyed these class boundaries in America, but we haven’t. We’re still bound by what we were given or what we weren’t. You’re some upper middle class kid, you’re probably gonna die some upper middle class adult.
Unless “awful” things happen.
Will the world end in 2012? I don’t know. I feel like the world is likely to end at any time because it’s all so unstable: government, economy, relationships, but I guess things MUST be more stable than I think because governments keep ruling, the economy keeps expanding, people stay married for years…but every moment that things move further in time, it gets a little more fragile…
I’m afraid of going backwards in time and going forwards in time so no matter how bad I am in the present that is where I want to be because the past was awful and the future might be worse, but right now is always me living and that’s something I can appreciate.
I don’t want to feel helpless, ever again.
I’m helpless now.  So many people are dead. Dying. We all say it. We all know it. Do we know it’s true?
I was afraid of being left alone, but I always was, almost alone.
I am held together with staples and tape.
Fuck suck shit this is why I like pictures.
Pam: Hi, my name is Pam. I'm the chaplain here at hospice. Nice to meet you. Are you waiting for a family member...? Oh, oh I'm sorry to here that. Very sorry. Have you dealt with anything like this before? Okay. Well, if you need any help, any counseling. Just call...we can refer you to someone, and I'm always here to talk. Always. Anyways, I can see you need to go, I wish we could havve met under better circumstances. Good to have you met you, Eric.
wutareyousaying: Sorry, what was that? You said you're here to see who? I'm sorry, I think you've come to the wrong place. That person isn't on the list. Maybe you can try down the hall? No, no I'm not trying to imply anything by that. I'm sorry, really, I am. I'll check one more time. No, yes. Try down the hall. Take this with you (hands a slip of paper). Bless you.

Look at that paper.
But I never did, because you're dead.

Feeling guilty.

2009-07-13T05:25:13Z

http://www.salon.com/ent/movies/feature/2009/07/09/bruno_rakoff/index.html

I am kicking rocks into the ocean

2009-07-13T05:16:21Z

Pennsylvania was beautiful. I could see myself living out there in the nothingness, as long as I had a something to come back to.
Music can be intrusive, but on the plane it was helpful to listen to while I read. It helped me avoid fantasies of opening the emergency exit and flying out.
I came home and was tired so I went to my room and locked my door and listened to the rain. I would shut my eyes and all I would see is the back of those lids and you can only stare at that for just so long.
Mom was in the mood for a fight so I gave her one. It started because she decided to be a bitch and talk to me about safe sex in front of Diane and Brian and Dad and I was saying "What, you think it is ok to do this now? You think it is ok to do this when you have never done this in your life?" Push my buttons, yeah. Push them hard. I hate talking about sex. It would be cool if Mom wanted to know my views on such things in private, but I was very enraged that such things could be coffee discussion.
I slammed the door on my way out, but not angrily. The door always slams.
The storm was over and my butt got wet because the chairs had all been left outside. I looked up and hoped that the plane above would suddenly have me in it. Diane tapped me on the arm and Brian gave me a kiss on the head and he left. I started crying (which surprised me oh yes it did) so Diane stayed with me. She's spent a lot of time analyzing family dynamics. It isn't about me, all that. It's easier to remember now. Now that I have that distance.
I lied, just now. I'll never have that distance, but I do have that control.
Pause.
Was that a lie?
No.
I can't help but say I am not broken up about all this. There was conflict resolution because I went and made it happen. "Mom," I said. Things only went up from there.
The whining of bourgeoisie white people never ends. The whining of the world never ends.
God, I do not feel like waking up tomorrow.

The Life of David Gale

2009-07-13T04:54:37Z

Can you totally hate an entire movie because of its ending?
I think I'm capable of such a thing.

Deprived

2009-07-06T16:45:54Z

I woke up and my bangs were like a stage curtain. I went to the bathroom and saw my eyes were bloody so I did them. I did my eyes. It took only a second. The face was hairy, but I pretended it was a manly thing so I could neglect my duties. Now it is just sandpapery.
Downstairs, time went backwards.
There is not nearly enough sleep in the world.

Hey Llama

2009-07-06T04:43:59Z

Did you find it?
If so, leave me a message.

Cannot go wrong

2009-06-15T16:15:12Z

I'm spineless, really. It's no secret.
When someone (someone you like) tells you "this is what I want and this is what you aren't", that is painful like taking pliers and ripping off your nails so that the lunula tears and you scream.
I'm still dumb. There's really no excuse.
There was #1 who I hated but who liked me and now there is #2 who I like but who doesn't like me.
Will it keep going #3, #4, #5...
I would like it to stop at least by #17. Because I really only have so much to give out.

I keep reading romantic novels and watching romantic movies/T.V. shows because I'm trying to devise how it is supposed to be. Everyone has different opinions on this, however. Is there supposed to be weeks and months of sweet flirtation or are you supposed to fuck someone the first time you meet them? If I could just choose I would probably opt for option one, but I want to do it right.
It reminds me of middle school. During lunch I would try to find a spot where I would look inconspicuous and I would just read all those fantasy novels so that people wouldn't talk to me and say horrible things. I've never been very inconspicuous. Kids hated that.

I think things would have been different for us if I had argued for Twilight instead of against it, but I couldn't.

Things I will do when I move to Washington:
1. Forget about the ages 6-13
2. Drink a lot
3. Get good grades
4. Move back
5. Profit

I say, sir, I'm sorry things didn't work out. I'd like to meet your friends, but I am an idiot and a spazz. No hard feelings. I'm still going to read Atlas Shrugged, just so I can really see what all the buzz is about.

These Things

2009-05-25T20:09:08Z

I went to the store with my mother to buy some cake mix and find a present for my sister.
I read in the front and waited for her like I used to when I was a little kid and couldn't drive.
At Borders I had to find a second book because they were buy one get one free. I didn't want any of the other books, but since I was being forced by the check out woman I chose a comedy about Hollywood. It looks vapid and terrible. Maybe I'll read it.
I got home and found something terrible in the toilet. I'll post it in a second. Can you guess what it is? I'll tell you after.
My dad was going to feed it to the dogs. Isn't that disgusting?
Mom forgot to put vanilla in the icing so we had to scrape it off. The cake has holes!

It is yogurt! = D

"Indeed, his own life was a miracle; let him make no mistake about it; here he was, in the prime of life, walking to his house in Westminster to tell Clarissa that he loved her. Happiness is this, he thought."
-Mrs. Dalloway, Virginia Woolf

for kyra

2009-04-07T02:30:41Z

I'll fuck you up.

These days

2009-03-17T03:31:55Z

The past few days have been very interesting. I'm not going into any sort of long story about it though because I've had 2 hours of sleep in the past 40 hours. Literally.
I went to a gay club with Brittany on Saturday. I was feeling very much unlike myself so we danced on the dance floor. We looked ridiculous, but it was actually lots of fun. The music was so loud that I couldn't feel anything and I'm pretty sure people were backing away from us, but I still liked it. We left to get water and then there were two very drunk men who hit on Brittany and were disappointed (but funny) when they found out she was gay. We went back and resumed our idiot dance. I don't want to go back to a club anymore.
Today was much more exciting.
Brittany, Dana, and I had been planning to ride a "free" bus from U.C.F. to Tallahassee for a gay rights movement called "Rally in Tally". Dana and I doubted the legitimacy of this plan since Brittany had told us about and we both pretty much did not consider the idea that it would follow through at all. We planned to sleep over at Brit's apartment the night before. Buses would be leaving at 6 am. We went to Super Walmart at 11 because Brittany didn't understand the concept of business casual and Dana ended up buying lots of food that she later cooked into a delicious late night meal. Around 2 am, 3 hours before we had to wake up, we decided to try to go to sleep. It pretty much was fail. Dana and I couldn't sleep, but Brittany went to bed around 3. Dana and I might have fallen asleep around 4, but we were woken up soon after by her fucking sneezing fit. Brittany's alarm went off at 5 and it sounded like a baby being murdered. I went into forensics mode and organized us out of the apartment and to the student union. We got there early because we thought the buses would be crowded and there were 4 people there. No one was in business casual. Gradually, about 20 or so more people showed up (none in fucking business casual) and we boarded the bus. Dana and I were not able to sleep on the way over. We met some very interesting people: Michael who was manic and didn't know what he wanted to do with his life; Joel, a 28 year old pothead who lives in a garage and is studying...stuff; Asia; Shealia who I think was a transvestite. They were all really cool, especially Joel. We got to Tally after a 5 hour ride and started lobbying people. That was freakish. Very freakish. I went to the office of these congress people after getting 1 hour of sleep and eating nothing but protein bars and tried to tell them what to do. I was in a group with Dana, Asia, and Michael (not really sure where Brit went) and it was terrifying. We got back on the bus around 4 and it took 6 hours for some reason. I slept an hour on the way back. My mouth was hanging open and I was snoring so once I woke up I decided not to go back to sleep.
When I got home I found an acceptance letter from Lewis and Clark with an $8,800 per year merit scholarship. Yay?
I can't believe I'm not tired even now.
It must be a miracle of God.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2008-12-18T09:26:00

2008-12-18T14:26:56Z

What do I think

xiwillkillbillx @ 2008-11-30T23:44:00

2008-12-01T04:45:19Z

Why do I feel so much better when I do these terrible dirty things I wouldn't tell you I would be so ashamed it's not the real me it's the fake me I swear I promise please don't come back to me and say what is this you horrible monster I would have to say it's not human I don't know what it is leave it alone just leave it there.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2008-09-14T13:53:00

2008-09-14T17:53:55Z

I am creating a poll.
Vote:
A. You think I am transparent.
B. You think not.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2008-08-10T22:13:00

2008-08-11T02:19:51Z

I fulfilled my dream of stalking multiple people today. <3 It's something I think I would really like to look into professionally, possibly. If detective work was all stake outs and following bad guys, it would definitely be something I would look into.
Down at Lake Eola, XT and I followed this drunk guy. He ended up passing up in a pile of leaves to the side of the park. We came back thirty minutes later, and he was still there. When he was walking down the side walk, his pants were falling down and he couldn't seem to figure out how to get his shoe to stay on. As funny as this was to watch from afar, I don't think I ever want to look like that. It's possible this has deterred me from ever extensively using alcohol. A random guy saw us following him and asked if we were his friends. I couldn't understand him and xt is a suck liar and she said no. I believe he may have been a little weirded out.
We passed a man who smelled more delicious than anything in the world. Unfortunately, when we caught up to him, we had no idea what to do. A dog chasing cars came to mind...
Calzone=ultimate pain.

xiwillkillbillx @ 2008-06-03T22:38:00

2008-06-04T02:38:53Z

An ocean of fuck.
Bet you never heard that one before.

Mellodrama

2008-05-22T10:37:11Z

Enactment:
"Omg. 1410." *throws up every where*